May 2nd
On Monday May 2nd, I did something that almost ruined our family. As a plea for help, I tried to kill myself.
I struggle with depression and anxiety and took myself off my meds in March. I was convinced my meds were causing weight gain and was hopeful I could manage myself through exercise and vitamin D ie. warm weather. Slowly but surely the depression and anxiety snuck in my life and made it unmanageable for me to live the way I was. April was the coldest month of the year for me. (I am currently back on meds and feel better but know I can’t go back to the way I have been.)
With the support of my family, I was admitted to the hospital and spent 48 hours in the elopement ward which was 100% not the right spot for me. Elopement means basically unable to leave, locked into a hallway with nurses watching you, and I promise you they don’t care about you, while you wait for someone on the outside to care. I was treated as if I were a criminal because get this, there wasn’t available space for new mental health patients. Can you believe this? They sent a suicidal person to an elopement ward with 3 clearly crazy men who stared at me the entire time. We HAVE to fight and change our mental health system. I promise there will be more on that some day.
I was let out as soon as I agreed to accept the help they were providing which was a 15 day partial hospital stay. I was set to begin my 15 day treatment plan when our house came down with Covid-19. Treatment was delayed until after our Texas trip and starting June 2nd from 9a-3p, Monday-Friday, I would begin a new chapter.
Today is the day and although I feel like a failure, my cousin left me with this thought, “Even if you don’t see or feel this, you are not a failure, you are brave. Brave because you are walking into change and ready to face yourself. This is not failure. Failure is doing the same thing over and over even though it is not working for you nor for your families greatest good.”
How I’m feeling: Scared, nervous, anxious, like a let down, or an absent employee, but ready to admit I need help and need to change. From 9a-3p I will need to be free from distractions (no kids) and on my computer with 10-12 other patients and get my life back in order. For the next 15 days I will have to surrender control in my life in regards to my kids, my day to day life, and some of my duties. It may be the most vulnerable I have been in a long time.
Huge thanks to my husband, my parents, Peter’s parents and a few close friends who know about this and have supported me in so many ways. I have been relying on them for the past month, asking for help which is incredibly hard for me to do at times.
Thank you for listening and wish me luck.
One thing I am incredibly thankful for, is that the medicine finally started to work so I could enjoy our trip to Texas and that I could be here today sharing this with you.
You are not alone.
