Depression is a cycle I’m desperately trying to figure out.
One of my homework assignments last week was to describe my positive cycle when I’m coming out of a depressed state. To get to the positive, it’s helpful for me to look at the depressed cycle first.
When I first experienced these cycles in college and I told close friends I felt depressed, more often than not, they would ask how are YOU depressed? (Btw, hearing that does NOT help.) On the outside looking in, it may appear like I have my life together but internally I struggle on a day to day basis doing simple tasks. Especially since opening MinnyRow Market, although I have been incredibly happy, day to day tasks such as having conversations with customers, answering emails and making small talk with adults has become some of the hardest things I’ve had to do.
When I am depressed and on my darkest days, I am exhausted, terrified, unable to make decisions, and find myself irritated with everyone close to me. I stop doing my chores and I need constant sleep unable to do my Mom or store duties.
I notice when I get in these cycles, I stop caring about the way I present myself, I stop trying to be put together. I stop feeling ALL together.
What helps? Naming the depression and anxiety and asking for help. Almost every time I take a shower I seem to wash some of the pain away, just like the newborn days, a shower makes me feel a little more human.
Sharing what I am going through has also helped tremendously. Naming each feeling has helped and I’ve started to try my hardest to tell my negative self talk that it’s not real.
I try to get in to see my acupuncturist and I start taking the days, one task at a time. I know I’m starting to feel better when I dress myself up and do my make up and hair again, I realize my depression is fading.
When I start to come out of these states, the guilt starts to sink in. The days that I have missed are gone and I have to insert myself back into my life and what was going on when I was away.
I am getting better at predicting these cycles but when they come out of the blue, that is when they are the most terrifying.
